I believe that more often than not people fail to see that the one who has broken the promise of a forever feels equally devastated and guilty beyond measure.
Screw that.
6 months is all it took. Today, I'm a different person. I'm the very person I was running away from. Nothing seems to be helping me, now.
Before I had joined College, my Aunt told me something that rocketed me towards the person I wanted to be. She told me, "You are going to College and there are two things that you must keep in mind: Dedication and Discipline. Dedication towards your work and Discipline in your lifestyle." These words struck a bell that kept ringing for months. Then, I guess I eventually gave up. Bit by little bit until now, when I really don't know what's up!
A friend wrote, "
...I felt like i had my life figured out." That is exactly how it felt.
Dedication, Discipline and Doctor Who: the three things that taught me to stay independent- happiness was with everyone, but, sadness was within myself, excitement was my own, despair was mine. I expected things from myself and nobody else. As asocial that may be, i was not asocial. I was just expecting more from myself than from others. Thing is, I knew I wouldn't let myself down. That was quite true.What I achieved, that year, was because I believed in myself entirely, without doubt, without fear. I was maneuvering my life at warp-speed in an asteroid belt. I had it in me.
A year later, things began to fall apart. I could still maneuver my life. But, it became very difficult. Doubt found its way in. Fear found its way in. I was just sitting there, like I did not notice these enter. Life became a sequence of denial and acknowledgement. Everytime I denied it, I drove them out. But, every now and then, they came back. The cycle followed.
I became particularly close to this person. Anonymous knew everything about me. Anonymous knew what I believed, what I would say, how I would react, how I would feel. Anonymous was shining bright. And I fell in love with Anonymous. With each passing day, Dedication and Discipline went further away from me. Or perhaps, i went further away from them and they couldn't move without someone carrying them. Eventually, they became memories I would remember when my Aunt asked me what it was she told me. What should have been dedication became obligation and what should have been for the future became dedication. With that, discipline went for a toss. I was still quite independent. Can't deny that. But, little did I realise what I gave up. I began expecting things from Anonymous. Little things like understanding. But, I guess "little" depends on perspective. Either way, that is not what I want to talk about.
I gave a part of myself up. I placed it in the hands of Anonymous. My rainbow ride with Anonymous soon came to an end. By this time, which is right now, I have begun expecting things from people who are not me. It's not a lot of people, but, it's no longer the same. I am no longer independent. And that sucks. My dedication lost its course. It is wandering somewhere I am unable to sail to. My discipline finds itself at staggerheads with Doubt about the dedication I talk to myself about, in my head. Fear fills the empty spaces left by everything that I lost in the past year. Empty spaces after empty spaces, some of them from my own doing and some of them that just happened.
Bright Colours found their home in these spaces, once. It's just shades of Dull Grey or Pale White, now.
My obligations refuse to become things I would dedicate myself to. Fear refuses to move away. I am unable to succeed in a siege over my own self. I am becoming the person I was running away from. And I don't know what I can do. There is nothing likeable about this Reverse Metamorphosis.
