Sunday, 2 October 2016

Finally Swung This Way

I like to believe that the bigger picture called life is nothing without the finer details called days. I have not blogged in ages; I have not blogged properly in ages. I haven't been in the mood to write. It's not that life was boring. It's not that I had nothing to share. It's just that life didn't swing me this way. I wasn't charged enough to put my thoughts on paper. The bigger painting went gray. But, as I said, days matter. Today was the white of the moon that showed itself  through the veils of grey.

My friends and I were invited to breakfast at Flour Works. It was a nice, quaint place with elegant tables and ambience. Out in the open, it was quite the place one would definitely want to take someone for a date. We had a nice time with the people there. There was live music playing in the background and the singer had an amazing voice! It's funny how we get attracted to things and people we know we won't see, again. It is as if we are fine with the temporary; the things that will end. Are we, though? Or, maybe, this is just another peculiarity of life. We crave permanency but suffice with the temporary. Perhaps, we know for the better.

The singer sang a few songs that were suggested by us- Wildfire, Dancing in a Burning Room- he didn't know Of Monsters and Men enough to sing it. But, god! Whatever he sang was just perfect! There was a steady drizzle, an embracing chill, a warm canopy, lively music and cheerful company. Sundays cannot start better. These are the days one prefers going out to sleeping in.

After the breakfast, we walked down that pretty road from Flour Works. We decided to walk it back home. Doing anything else in that weather would mean that we brought the joke onto ourselves. Grey skies- the sort which makes everything on Earth look vivid and true. Something that reveals the true colours. The perfect ISO-Shutter Speed setting. Heavenly!

Halfway home, it struck us that we could go to Aga Khan Palace. We did. Coincidentally, it was Gandhi Jayanti, as well. We went in. The last time I had been there was with dad, in 2014- when I came to this city for giving my College interviews. Time flies quickly, but memories stay. I don't remember what happened that day. I don't remember what else I did. Time gulps things. But, this, I remember. "One day, we should come here to sit under that tree to read a book," he said, pointing towards a huge banyan tree at the entrance. I couldn't and can't disagree. The orange of the grass and the darkish shadow of the tree are perfect. The palace embodies serenity- old, weathered pillars with stone dusting away, well-maintained orangish green grass, wooden railings, the calmness of a cemetery but the bustling life of visitors. Just the right amounts of everything. I stood against a wooden railing thinking about dad. I was looking at a kid run around a dysfunctional fountain. He stopped and leant over the parapet of the fountain to look into the water. I remember that I used to that once. "Whatever happened as I grew up." The kid's parents were playing with him, around the fountain. I don't know if it is just me or if it is everybody; such sights are rare to come by. People spending time with people- even those they call family. Why, I was spending time with my friends are a long, long time.

I ran into an acquaintance of mine. I know we study in the same college. Similar Course. Different batch. I know where I know her from and where she knows me from. We smile at each other whenever we see each other. We greet each other. We even strike a little conversation every now and then. I don't know her name. I don't think she knows mine. Quirks. Do introductions really matter? I'd love to know who she is, though!

I was with my friends throughout. It was lovely. Catching up with people you call family is ethereal in its own way. What was more ethereal, however, was the sense of solitude I felt despite them being present. I was in my own zone. My head was on a different wavelength, disjoint from this world. I needed that solitude- my wavelengths with little interference with worldly waves. I had that. I felt like I was outside the reach of mortal worries, third world problems, the real struggles. I needed that. To run far, far away from them. I found that today, and I loved it.

At the palace, we decided to just run off to M.G. Road. Catch a bus, run away, forget we have a different life and return later, much later.

Do you notice how impromptu all of it is? A few months ago, I met a girl named Disha Verma. She introduced me to the parts of life I was casually ignorant about. She showed me that my concept of beauty in life extended beyond what I perceived. She made me believe in the impromptu more firmly than I ever did. She also inspired me to do things the beauty of which cannot be explained in words. The impromptu clears your head, trust me. The impromptu is when you break your shackles. Maybe they'll come back to catch you, later on. But, that time when you broke free, when you feel your limbs free of metal and rust, you are the most liberated.

MG Road was our path to hogging our money away. Sweet Corn, Sabudana Vadas, Corn Cobs, Chicken Kebabs, Spring Rolls, Coolers, Pizza- FOOD. Lots of it! Random stops at shops to check out fancy stuff. And choosing not to buy them because food. takes. precedence. always! Always remember! That road, however, is THE BEST PLACE IN THIS CITY! There is so much life everywhere! So much cheer! One place where there is festivity in the absence of festivals? MG Road. That place, in that weather, is a carnival that arrived in your backyard in a jiffy with huge cotton candies, bagpipers, fireworks and colourful streamers all around on a Spring morning! I did not want to leave, at the end of it. Or maybe, I wanted to. But, I just wanted to go watch a movie at Victory Theatre. Good memories lie there! That, may be for some other post.

We caught the first bus going homewards. Somewhere close to home, I ran into the singer from Flour Works. He didn't see me. Or maybe he did and I'm just one of the many faces he had seen that day. I ran into him, again, though. Is 'temporary' an illusory permanence? The Abstract is an interesting dimension, indeed.



Sunday, 28 August 2016

Isildur's Bane

One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them all. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness, bind them!

It was forged by Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom. Isildur cut it off Sauron's hand in war. He took it. The Ring won his desire. Elrond told him to destroy it. He couldn't. He didn't want to. He refused to destroy it after the war. He chose to take it with him. On the way back home, Isildur was ambushed by a pack of orcs. He jumped into the river to run away. But, the Ring wanted to leave him. So, it did. And, he died.

Déagol found the Ring. Smeagol killed him cousin for it. He was shunned away from society. He rotted in deep, dark caves. The Ring left him, there.

The Ring only brought sickness. I found the Ring. It brought me misfortune.

I was sitting in the park with my friend. I felt something poking against my foot. I looked down and there, I saw it. A Ring embedded into the mud beneath my feet. I picked it up along with the mud in its circumference. I held the Ring against the floodlights. It was copper but gold. It was trivial but precious. It was light but heavy. It wasn't mine but it belonged to me.

My friend told me to throw it away. I couldn't. I didn't want to. I took it home. Misfortune followed.
.
.
.
.
.
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I was finally convinced to throw it away. I went back to same park, to the same bench. I stamped it into the ground. I left. I immediately felt lighter. Life got better.


Tuesday, 7 June 2016

Odd Thoughts

Did you ever notice the tea powder in a boiling pot of decoction?
All of it agglomerates to one point at the surface, collapses into the decoction, dives down deep and circulates back to the surface, into an agglomeration and gone again!

Did you ever notice that this is what your thoughts are, at times? Your thoughts are the tea powder that your mind swallows and spits out almost instantly.

I guess these are the thoughts I have been having in the past few days. The same thoughts coming together and going away, coming together and going away. I don't know when I will be able to empty this pot, because the heat is too much and I want to strain these thoughts away.

I guess, after all of it, I deserve to lay still in a cup and steam away all the heat.
I guess I need to hear that sigh of appreciation and relief to know that it was all worth it.

I guess, I am not going to get any of it; because my thoughts are not tea powder and there is no cup.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Reverse Metamorphosis

I believe that more often than not people fail to see that the one who has broken the promise of a forever feels equally devastated and guilty beyond measure.

Screw that.

6 months is all it took. Today, I'm a different person. I'm the very person I was running away from. Nothing seems to be helping me, now.

Before I had joined College, my Aunt told me something that rocketed me towards the person I wanted to be. She told me, "You are going to College and there are two things that you must keep in mind: Dedication and Discipline. Dedication towards your work and Discipline in your lifestyle." These words struck a bell that kept ringing for months. Then, I guess I eventually gave up. Bit by little bit until now, when I really don't know what's up!

A friend wrote, "...I felt like i had my life figured out." That is exactly how it felt.

Dedication, Discipline and Doctor Who: the three things that taught me to stay independent- happiness was with everyone, but, sadness was within myself, excitement was my own, despair was mine. I expected things from myself and nobody else. As asocial that may be, i was not asocial. I was just expecting more from myself than from others. Thing is, I knew I wouldn't let myself down. That was quite true.What I achieved, that year, was because I believed in myself entirely, without doubt, without fear. I was maneuvering my life at warp-speed in an asteroid belt. I had it in me.

A year later, things began to fall apart. I could still maneuver my life. But, it became very difficult. Doubt found its way in. Fear found its way in. I was just sitting there, like I did not notice these enter. Life became a sequence of denial and acknowledgement. Everytime I denied it, I drove them out. But, every now and then, they came back. The cycle followed.

I became particularly close to this person. Anonymous knew everything about me. Anonymous knew what I believed, what I would say, how I would react, how I would feel. Anonymous was shining bright. And I fell in love with Anonymous. With each passing day, Dedication and Discipline went further away from me. Or perhaps, i went further away from them and they couldn't move without someone carrying them. Eventually, they became memories I would remember when my Aunt asked me what it was she told me. What should have been dedication became obligation and what should have been for the future became dedication. With that, discipline went for a toss. I was still quite independent. Can't deny that. But, little did I realise what I gave up. I began expecting things from Anonymous. Little things like understanding. But, I guess "little" depends on perspective. Either way, that is not what I want to talk about.

I gave a part of myself up. I placed it in the hands of Anonymous. My rainbow ride with Anonymous soon came to an end. By this time, which is right now, I have begun expecting things from people who are not me. It's not a lot of people, but, it's no longer the same. I am no longer independent. And that sucks. My dedication lost its course. It is wandering somewhere I am unable to sail to. My discipline finds itself at staggerheads with Doubt about the dedication I talk to myself about, in my head. Fear fills the empty spaces left by everything that I lost in the past year. Empty spaces after empty spaces, some of them from my own doing and some of them that just happened.

Bright Colours found their home in these spaces, once. It's just shades of Dull Grey or Pale White, now.

My obligations refuse to become things I would dedicate myself to. Fear refuses to move away. I am unable to succeed in a siege over my own self. I am becoming the person I was running away from. And I don't know what I can do. There is nothing likeable about this Reverse Metamorphosis.




Wednesday, 4 May 2016

For When You Get Here

Dear 18,
I've been needing your letter more than you thought, in the last few weeks. I know you won't like this the same way I am not and maybe even more. But, you need to know that some things change for the worse. I broke them. I broke all of them, perhaps. I had to.
I know that you believed life would be the rosiest if you could make it that way. I know that you were foolish enough to make every promise you did with that in mind. I know that you were too confident that things would be right. 18, you were also very ignorant.
Life is rosy and rainbows. I will never say anything different. But, I think you know, that thunder is a reality. You know what I am talking about. You were there when it happened. You did it because you feared this day would come. Well, it is here. And I broke them.
This letter won't reach you. I don't want it to, either. Because there have been some amazing days. I don't want to risk them by telling you not to make them. But, I will leave this letter in this place, in this time. When you will reach this point, read it. Please understand that you should stop seeing things, about this, in absolution. This does not have diamond absolutes. It's always one ocean overlapping with another. It's both of you and not just one of you. It is not your fault- there were other universes burning. You had to break this one to stop it. You may have been selfish. But, that is what you were left with after giving yourself up. You were breaking apart. Perhaps, I am writing this letter for making myself feel better about it. But, I am definitely writing it for you, when you get here; and when I revisit this.
There's a planet called Venus in me. And it is burning. But, it's not our fault.


 Yours lovingly,
19


Tuesday, 12 April 2016

Another Farewell Letter

Dear PolSci,

I think- if I don't tell you this at least now, at our parting- I would not be doing right by you; I will not be doing justice to what we have become, over time.
I have to be honest with you, I despised you when we first met. I had reason to. You called yourself a science and it felt like you were mocking my beloved Physics. I hated you for a long time. Call it attachment issues, if it will please you. But, nothing takes Physica away, alright? I still love her. I'm just not sure what I feel for you.
Over time, you showed me what you really are. You showed me something about myself that I hadn't realised till then. You showed me that I will love knowledge, in whatever form it comes. Now, don't take this to mean that I LOVE you. I just love you. I LOVE Physica. Understand? Good!
Anyway, I started liking you. You slowly caught my attention with all of your theories which perfectly blended with my thoughts when i tried to study you. I will be honest, that did not always happen with Physica. You read my mind- or perhaps, I read yours. Getting to know you was to see my thoughts look back at me. You showed me that I understand beauty. You showed me a different sort of beautiful. You showed me the mirror that my thoughts are. Life hadn't been the same after that. What, with your individualism and everything? How could it ever be?
And then when I was comfortable with who you are and what you would make me, I tried to introduce you to Science. The real one, alright? It was just beautiful how the two of you get along. That day, I made a promise to myself that one day, I will make sure that you and Science come together; become the best of friends. What's that point of hatred, eh?
More than a year has passed and I see myself looking at you like I looked at Physica when we parted ways- just not that tnostalgically. I will miss you, but I will not cry for you. I will miss making theories about the world and its weird tidings. I will miss you giving me the chance to speak about the musings of the world without stopping me, ever! But, I will not cry for you!
But, if this is the last time, I suppose I might as well say it. PolSci, you're a science!
I bid you a good life. I love you.

Yours Truly.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Burning out

An urge burns the walls of my heart. A fire rages inside. It wants something.
It wants to do something.
It wants me to do something.
It wants something from me?

I let this fire rage and burn.
I let these walls melt and blister.
I let it consume everything and grow into a wildfire, disregarding what it does to me.

I walk, I run, I jump,
I let time while itself away,
I let people brush past,
I hold on to some unlike anything else,
I eat, I starve, I drink endlessly.
I grin with my teeth bare, I laugh my lungs flat.
I love and never hate. I only befriend.
I write things for you, I erase them because you're worth more than just those!
Is this what the fire wants me to do? It's the one question that chases everything I do.
The fire doesn't tell me what it wants. It wants me to understand it. But, well, do I?

I let it burn through. After all this, it stops. It just stops, not out of exhaustion, but out of blankness. The fire stops because it does not know what it wants. It just burns because it has to.
It slowly recedes back into the heart. What does it want? Does it even want anything or am I just that combustible on the inside?

I guess, the heart wants what it wants.