Often, in life, you are told about how good you are at the things you do. I have been told that often. My brother warned me several times to not let this make me feel invincible. But, as my friend rightly said, when you are told the same thing multiple times by multiple people, it is difficult for it to not get to your head. I am slightly ashamed of admitting that, in the past few months, I had begun to feel invincible. I must also admit that this feeling was subconscious- beyond my understanding or control. So, when I started my current internship, I had a firm reality check about where I really stand: NoWhereExceptional, SomewhereNormal, NoMatterWhatTheySay- 500016.
I believe some of my actions in fortunate circumstances have created an impression about me that has always been beyond my understanding. As I grappled to understand this aura of mine, I put myself in a liminal state. I forgot who I was and I was unsure about who I should be. A word I recently learnt seems to perfectly describe my situation- depersonalization. I started feeling depersonalized. So, I began to chisel my personality according to the posts I held and the expectations I had to fulfil. It is probably why I have not blogged in a long time despite having many things to blog about. That is, perhaps, the smallest consequence of my depersonalization. I have very likely lost a lot of things that would have otherwise come my way. I have also very likely lost the faith of people closest to me. So, today, I vow to not let my circumstances define me. I vow to let myself define myself regardless of the circumstances.
Although I have been thinking about this for some time, I chose today to take my oath for a few specific reasons. In the past few days, my internship has given me the opportunity to look at myself in a new mirror. It is a perk that accompanies new places and new people- they don't know you. They only know the version of you that you are presenting before them. So, when I presented my current self before them, I noticed a change in how I behaved with them juxtaposed with how I used to behave with my other bosses. The difference was simple. I am less original, more apprehensive and less confident in my demeanour and in my work. I also seem to have become slightly lax about recognizing authority. Where I would usually stand when the boss walked in, I don't seem to be doing any of that in this place. I am unsure if that is because of the general atmosphere in this Office, which is entirely different from the atmosphere of Offices I used to work in. What made me feel worse was that somebody else had performed better than I did in finishing a task that involved writing and graphic representation. It saddened me to think that I have lost my moxie to write well and think creatively (This post probably bears testimony to my loss). So, today, I chose to go back to being someone who was not afraid to bend the rules slightly to present the same report in a better way. It was received much more warmly than my previous submission which stuck to the rules. Why did I ever choose to bind myself by irrational rules?
I met a friend of mine today after more than a year. We spoke a great deal about the maladies that the Fourth year of law school had brought upon us. When I told her about my maladies, she remarkably related them to particular points in my life; those which involved people who she did not know and which we had spoken about more than a year ago after which we seldom conversed. It was mesmerizing and cathartic to see someone remember everything that had affected me in the past 4 years even though we hadn't spoken in a year. I thought, in this time, that was hard to come by. One of the maladies that came with the Fourth year was an unwavering belief that people don't care enough to listen to my miseries. As a consequence, I shut others out, I shut myself in and forgot how to open those doors. The key was lost in a dark room and every now and then, I found myself scuttling around to find it. Today's meeting cracked the door from outside. Some light has entered this dark room. I believe I shall sneak out snippets, now. I guess this blog post is one such snippet. Soon enough, I shall break this door if I can't find the key.
I downloaded an app called "Mobycy," today. It allows you to rent a public bicycle from a designated area and take it for a ride for as long and as far as you please (Nominal costs). I set my foot on a cycle pedal after 3 full years. I rode for 5 km and for 34 minutes. The experience was ethereal. I rode around in the locality to explore its nooks and corners like I did in my fourth grade when I had first learnt to ride a cycle- the last in my friends group to have learnt it at the age of 9 years. It reminded me of my spirit of curiosity- a willingness to get myself into trouble in the exploration of the unknown. The heaviness in my legs after I got off the cycle reminded me of how gravity feels after you subjected yourself to a stronger force- like buoyancy. It is probably not the same as close collisions with vehicles and riding into shady meadows, but, I tore the edges of my pyjama while cycling. I would ordinarily feel annoyed. Now, I feel young. I think I kept myself bay in fear of losing marks, impression and time. I made my life monotonous. I lost my "Geronimo" element. Today's cycling tells me that I can get it back. I will get it back.
I will soon have my own soundtracks playing in my head as I walk and I will soon start punning, again. I will soon smile like all of life resides within me and I will soon start laughing wholeheartedly. I trust that in some time, my soul will stop being a silent spectator and join me in celebrating rediscovery.
I believe some of my actions in fortunate circumstances have created an impression about me that has always been beyond my understanding. As I grappled to understand this aura of mine, I put myself in a liminal state. I forgot who I was and I was unsure about who I should be. A word I recently learnt seems to perfectly describe my situation- depersonalization. I started feeling depersonalized. So, I began to chisel my personality according to the posts I held and the expectations I had to fulfil. It is probably why I have not blogged in a long time despite having many things to blog about. That is, perhaps, the smallest consequence of my depersonalization. I have very likely lost a lot of things that would have otherwise come my way. I have also very likely lost the faith of people closest to me. So, today, I vow to not let my circumstances define me. I vow to let myself define myself regardless of the circumstances.
Although I have been thinking about this for some time, I chose today to take my oath for a few specific reasons. In the past few days, my internship has given me the opportunity to look at myself in a new mirror. It is a perk that accompanies new places and new people- they don't know you. They only know the version of you that you are presenting before them. So, when I presented my current self before them, I noticed a change in how I behaved with them juxtaposed with how I used to behave with my other bosses. The difference was simple. I am less original, more apprehensive and less confident in my demeanour and in my work. I also seem to have become slightly lax about recognizing authority. Where I would usually stand when the boss walked in, I don't seem to be doing any of that in this place. I am unsure if that is because of the general atmosphere in this Office, which is entirely different from the atmosphere of Offices I used to work in. What made me feel worse was that somebody else had performed better than I did in finishing a task that involved writing and graphic representation. It saddened me to think that I have lost my moxie to write well and think creatively (This post probably bears testimony to my loss). So, today, I chose to go back to being someone who was not afraid to bend the rules slightly to present the same report in a better way. It was received much more warmly than my previous submission which stuck to the rules. Why did I ever choose to bind myself by irrational rules?
I met a friend of mine today after more than a year. We spoke a great deal about the maladies that the Fourth year of law school had brought upon us. When I told her about my maladies, she remarkably related them to particular points in my life; those which involved people who she did not know and which we had spoken about more than a year ago after which we seldom conversed. It was mesmerizing and cathartic to see someone remember everything that had affected me in the past 4 years even though we hadn't spoken in a year. I thought, in this time, that was hard to come by. One of the maladies that came with the Fourth year was an unwavering belief that people don't care enough to listen to my miseries. As a consequence, I shut others out, I shut myself in and forgot how to open those doors. The key was lost in a dark room and every now and then, I found myself scuttling around to find it. Today's meeting cracked the door from outside. Some light has entered this dark room. I believe I shall sneak out snippets, now. I guess this blog post is one such snippet. Soon enough, I shall break this door if I can't find the key.
I downloaded an app called "Mobycy," today. It allows you to rent a public bicycle from a designated area and take it for a ride for as long and as far as you please (Nominal costs). I set my foot on a cycle pedal after 3 full years. I rode for 5 km and for 34 minutes. The experience was ethereal. I rode around in the locality to explore its nooks and corners like I did in my fourth grade when I had first learnt to ride a cycle- the last in my friends group to have learnt it at the age of 9 years. It reminded me of my spirit of curiosity- a willingness to get myself into trouble in the exploration of the unknown. The heaviness in my legs after I got off the cycle reminded me of how gravity feels after you subjected yourself to a stronger force- like buoyancy. It is probably not the same as close collisions with vehicles and riding into shady meadows, but, I tore the edges of my pyjama while cycling. I would ordinarily feel annoyed. Now, I feel young. I think I kept myself bay in fear of losing marks, impression and time. I made my life monotonous. I lost my "Geronimo" element. Today's cycling tells me that I can get it back. I will get it back.
I will soon have my own soundtracks playing in my head as I walk and I will soon start punning, again. I will soon smile like all of life resides within me and I will soon start laughing wholeheartedly. I trust that in some time, my soul will stop being a silent spectator and join me in celebrating rediscovery.
